being in N329 marks a beginning of a new chapter in my life. i really wonder how things will go. i admit that i do feel quite uneasy that tiff's no longer my CGL. but i do believe that change is good. =)  i still remember that time when there was multiplication and i took sooooo long to get used to the new cell. well, this time it will be different. =)

i'm really in need of money!! gosh! limited resources to meet unlimited wants!! (sounds familiar? hahahaha!!) i need to work and generate more More MORE $$$$$!!

crazy days out with my clique and JMs since monday. havent been so free for ages! been heading town and i've gotta admit that im a direction idiot. xD attempts to look for prom stuff apparently failed cause i end up shopping for causual stuff. and money's running LOW! gotta start working really soon! =D

morning madness with mum and sis was like WOW!! photos, jewelery, chat... well, time cant go backwards and all i can do now is to make every day count. =)  never expect a relationship that bad could become this good. thinking back, i realised how childish i was, like seriously! hahaha! they're all out shopping now and i'm home alone with my beloved bio notes! zzZ


next meteor shower is gonna strike when im at sydney. will i be able to watch it with you when we are more than 6300km apart? 

why today? why not next week? =/

but if i'm able to determine the date and time it strikes, it wouldn't be that enticing anymore. sigh, no point harping on it since i've decided to stop thinking about it and spend more time with my bed. come to think of it, it's been quite some time since i last took a second look at the night sky, to be mesmerized by the stars above. and i've never seen a meteor shower in my entire life. oh well, i'll have the chance soon. =) or at least, i will be able to laze under the clear sky to be once again captivated by the constellations! =D



edited @ 0045
just walked goldie and was trying to spot the "whole" Orion belt, but it was too cloudy. maybe it was a right choice to sleep instead of staying up for it.

4 down and SEVEN more to go!! =) 22 more days and i will be F-R-E-E!! =D ok, the self proclaim one will start in 12 days!! =D

the past 2 days and i've seen quite a few people cried man. hmm, i don't know if i will score better than them or not but somehow i feel very peaceful. no matter what, i'm just gonna go into the hall, give my best shot and not think back anymore. smiley face in and smiley face out of hall. hahahahaa!! my "motto" for now. =D

well, it's mugging time again! tml's chem paper 3, one of my worst nightmare yet again! but i will do what i can. =) and i'm gonna mug for my "favorite" STATS tml after chem. =D   JIAYOU MY FRIENDS!! =D dont let papers that have past bring you down. =)

my first paper is in less than 25 hours time. and it's math p1! lol. the horror of horrors, the paper that i've never gotten past a U grade i guess. oh well, A's is finally here and it will end in 24 days. afterwhich i will really go crazy for at least a month before settling down with a job. not much feeling as of now, but i really don't know how i will feel in march next year. whatever it is, at least its not a dead end, and i thank God for that. =)

i need to get a life. what im doing now is just wasting my precious time away. these 24 days will mark the end of the lifeless me. i wanna leave this heavy burden behind! i wanna fly!

you've been a really great brother to me. all the funny childhood stories that will always remain in my memories. hahahaha!! thanks for bearing with my nonsense for all these years. =) ok, shouldn't post too much on the web. xD




this is the nicest family photo i can find. gotta snap more man! xD and definitely more when sis gets married and give birth. xD BIG BIG FAMILY man! xD

small val finally slept and i had a small random chat with mum. she started by asking me when my exams will be over cause she wanna plan a day to do spring cleaning before i fly to sydney. and i linked it to having my own room and about installing new aircons. then she started on the talk about shifting to a 3 room flat. actually i find no prob in this cause we dont actually need such a big house anyway and the incentives are great! =) well, that isnt the main point either. the main point is that i told her about my plans to SIM and asked her for her opinion. and i "prepared" her i guess, told her i will most prob flunk my A's. might really be a big blow to them since my siblings are all uni grad or going-to-be uni grad. but i did assure her that i will get my degree somehow, most prob from SIM as of now.

come to think of it, i've been rather nasty to my parents, esp my mum. maybe it's due to the stress i've been putting on myself, being too D with myself i guess. that i get frustrated really easily and break people's heart without realising it. now that i lean back and take a good look at what has occured this year, i really have to admit that i havent been glorifying God. this year has always been about me, me and me. my feelings. my temper. my way. what i want. what i need. this isnt how it should be. now that i've decided to slow down my pace and spend more time with my family, i realised i've been missing out alot! how my parents have aged and how much they have cared for me. things i took for granted suddenly seem so precious, esp time that i can spend with them. my parents are hitting their 60s in a few more years are they havent been really healthy. i should really start spending more time with them. =)

my elderest bro already has a family of his own and my sis is gonna get married end of this year. main family size is decreasing and i wonder how my parents feel. if davis and i both stay in hostel next year, it will just be left with the 2 of them at home. =/ what can i do?

hey people!! i realized that you guys cant view the fonts i use on my blog unless you download them. so i've copied the links and paste them here. please download this awesome fonts to view my AWESOME blog!! hahhahaha!! xD fonts were from dafont but they are currently down. so alternatives are from fontriver and abstractfonts. =) these aren't virus. =) i've also paste the links under credits on the bottom left column. =)


click to download:
city burn night after night and we spraypaint the walls
metal-up-your-ear
mental freak

sometimes i just hope that im alone in this race. where i can make decisions on my own without considering the feelings of others. being self-centered i guess. but i cant. i really want to give up but people from all around just keep poppings words of encouragement which makes me feel even more depress. why is it that i give up on myself when others still believe in me? could it be they dont know me enough? or is it i that do not understand myself? i really want to let go and make plans about what to do next, but i dont want to let these people who believe in me down.

im really crumbling within, this is the first time i have ZERO solution to my problem. all i can do is to put up a fake front and wait for time to past. wait for everything to be over and start my life afresh. i cant handle this anymore. i need a breathe before i suffocate under this pressure.

the flat directly above mine is renovating. sigh, it's a good and a bad thing actually. good cuz it woke me up at 9am today, and bad cuz i dont get to study at home where all my materials are. anyway, these few days are gonna be study out days i guess. =D

i wanna just lie around and enjoy life for a few days man.

• snuggle in bed and wake up late.
• going out to shop and play
• sit by the beach
• catching sunset
• gazing at stars
• riding bike
• catching movies
• chit chat 
• and all the fun stuff

not now of course. but definitely soon. =) it's been a long while since i enjoyed a day without guilt. hahaha! and i wanna spend this awesome day im waiting for with you! =)

i need a  life. this is so not working. i think i will go crazy if this carries on. im trying, really trying, but it just ain't working! are all this misery worth when all i want is to get that damn paper? actually, i have always wanted to study in another country like aust? but i guess the cost is way beyond what i can afford. SIM may be my other alternative. maybe i should have headed to SIM after my O's but i didnt regret spending these 2 years at TPJ, made quite a few awesome friends, people whom i will cherish.

oh well, just some back up plans to console myself and make myself more prepared i guess. hurh, nonetheless, i will still try to achieve what i can. =/

this is like once in a blue moon that i ever got insomnia man. went to bed at about 1 plus and i was still wide awake at 4am. i wasn't high or anything, in fact, i was really tired but images just flew past my head, one after another and it look so beautiful and carefree. maybe its my imagination running wild again. haha~

anyway, went over to maddy's place instead of 85 last night. miss those days man. xD well, after As will be the time to relax, not now. HAHAHAHA!! yeap, so it's gonna be mugging for now. =) fun will definitely come in dec! =D

my study timetable is out! packed to the max with papers. but this is it, my final sprint! =D i admit ytd and today aren't at max speed yet (i overslept today), but well, it's a sure thing that my engines are on already! xD yeah, havent seen my JMs for a while, gonna meet them for dinner at 85 tonight. after this, my life's just gonna be packed with papers aft papers aft papers plus my 3 meals and bed! xD not forgeting church of course! soooo yeahh, friends, book me only after 23rd nov k? xD that's when i can finally slacken a little cuz my next and last paper is in 3rd dec which is a MCQ paper. xD

this last lap, i will give my best shot. i wont slacken, i wont give up.

after that few days long of self-proclaim break, i finally started studying today. wasnt very good but at least i did study. tml will be mugging day! =D i'm not gonna give up. i'm gonna give my best shot! =) sorry budds, know that i scare you guys for the past few days. yeah, jan's finally back to norm, let's jiayou tgt! =)

anyway, i took about 2 hours off just now just to roller skate aimlessly around my estate. feels really good to feel the night breeze brushing across my face. it was so quiet, i got so immersed in my own thoughts that that 2 hours just flew past. hahahaha, alright, but im not some emo kid k? i spent some time trying to master T-break, but in the end i learnt how to do pivot turns! lol! guess i need more strength to do a T-break properly. xD

hmm, looking back at my past few posts, really quite negative siol! HAHAHAHA!! where did that happy-go-lucky jan went man?! xD yeah, i promise, next few posts are gonna be good cuz it will be how productive my study hours were! =D go go go!! =D

sorry, i love you, thank you.

the 3 most powerful words. yet i misuse them. did i even mean it in the first place? or was it just a passing remark to make this world look like a better place? words without actions are cheap. i've said sorry so many times but did i make an attempt to change? i've said i love you so many times but why did my actions hurt you again and again? i've said thank you way too many times! but did i really appreciate what you did by helping myself out?

i suck.

i seem to have lost the drive to study. day by day i sit down at my study corner, and when its time for bed, i realise I've accomplished nothing. this really sucks. i dont want to give up, but it seemed like i have already gave up. =( this is terrible, the thought of going into the workforce with just a O'level cert is really scary. but it just seem so impossible now. i can't even pass what more getting to uni? 22 days is all that i have now. sigh.

i feel so DEFEATED, for the first time.

alright, i'm home rather early today. =) sigh, phone got confiscated by my lovely friends today for not coming to school ytd even though i was SICK! oh well, i know they meant well cuz i know that i've been sms-ing TOO MUCH in class. so yeah, i survived well today without my phone and friends were actually expecting withdrawal symptoms from me luh! LOL!! they claim that i'm addicted to my phone. hahahaha!! but please luh, i'm seriously not ok? xD anyway, i still do not have my phone. gonna get it back soon though. =)

amy didnt come today, gave us some inferential ws to do which i totally suck at man! don't even know why some people must make our world soooo troublesome to understand. keep it simple man yo! HAHAHAHA!! alright, i think i'm a little sugar high now, but oh wells~

hmm, spent like 30mins talking to myself ytd, it's good to motivate yourself. =D before the 30 mins i was a loser to myself, but after that, i felt like i can accomplish many many more things! =D planned out my timetabel and even though time is tight, i somehow can still fit my stuff pretty well! =) alright! this marks MUGGING TIME!! =D so friends, please stop asking me out till after As alright? xD

cool man! it's been quite some time since i last had such a normal post right? xD YEAP!! way to go jan! steer clear of all distractions for now! =D ciaoz~ xP

this is cool!! thrashing stuff out is always great! boat of 5 have certainly upgraded from speedboat to a much more steady boat. xD anyway, i just love it now. JMs just freaking rock! =D

on the side note, i feel far from something i love. but somehow, it just seem so much more fun here that i don't feel like going back. i have no idea man. too busy to think that much too. a heart in 3 places? ha-ha-ha~ sigh.

need to get my timetable ready and working again!! =) i need that! this final sprint. i can make it, cuz i have great kaki picking me up and pacing me and running with me! i can de. i can de. i can de. =D jiayou jan! jiayou my friends! =D

a random song that joe let me listen but part of the lyrics are stuck in my mind.


i don't know what she wants. and i don't wanna bother finding it out. whatever! i hope that mark remains. so that i will remember this day. i need strength. just this 1 month. i need the results to prove it all! i can and i will!!

i have no idea what's got into me. these few days i'm just like a bomb that will explode anytime and anywhere. this sucks, i'm counting down to A levels but not much action is taken yet. i'm sorry if i ever explode on you or anything. i seriously didn't mean to. SORRY! =(


sigh, i know they really want me to get into uni, since both my bro and sis are uni grad and davis has already secured a place in NUS. but somehow, my self-motivation isn't working anymore. i feel like i'm gonna break down anytime soon. but my heart isn't listening to me. it keeps drifting off to places where my mind doesn't want to go. thinking of stuff i wanna stay away from. THIS SUCKS!



CAN YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR HEART AND SOUL INTO STUDYING BEFORE YOU REALLY CRASH YOUR OWN DREAMS AND FUTURE

i lost something precious to me today. something that contain my tears and secrets, something that has been a great part of my life for about a year.

i still remember last year when i went to spotlight to get the cloth, i was soooo excited, choosing the cloth that i like best. following that was hours of sewing before i finally got this bolster. ever since, i've been hugging it to bed, crying on it, and all sorts of things. i even carried it when i was mugging. somehow, this bolster has became a very big part of my life without me realizing it. if it was a living thing, it would have known more about me than anyone on this earth had, even though it was just a year.

i freaked out when i couldn't find it before i slept, i searched the whole house but couldn't find it. i cried, it felt as though i lost a impt part of me. i knew that only my mum would know where it was, but she's already asleep. so i waited at the living room hoping she would wake up. the last time i saw the clock was 6am and i think i dozed off. at 10am, i asked her where is my bolster and i was right, she threw it away after digging the fillings out for goldie's bed. tears just flowed uncontrollably. i was super sad, i can feel my heart aching. i seriously have no idea how a bolster have become so impt to me, but... sigh. i can't remember the last time i cried so badly. my eyes swelled after the hours of sobbing.



what added onto the hurt was replies i got from my friends whom i thought would understand how i felt. some replied,"...hahaha...", some replied,"...its not as if you had it since young." some didnt even bother to reply. i really felt like smashing my phone when i read those man. WHATEVER. i don't give a damn.

i know its no point ranting on now, i just got to get use to life without this bolster since there's no way i can get it back. it got DISSECTED! anyway, this blog post is meant for remembrance. at least i managed to find a photo of my bolster with me. =)

i'm confused. i no longer know what's in my mind, somehow things are easier said than done.

running in this race, some people join but some of my comrades are leaving. i'm sad, of course man, people who were always next to me, encouraging me is no longer here. my speed varies, and i hate it when i'm "slow". things are happening and somehow it affected me, i don't know, i seem to be falling back to the same old spot, or even deeper. i'm scared, but my actions aren't following what i'm telling my body to do.

there's so many things that i've chucked aside just to focus on my studies now. sometimes i feel so suffocated when they come up all at once. but i know i don't have the extra time and energy to deal with it now. after A's i tell myself, but will i have the courage to do it then? to reap open a wound that is already covered by time.

i hate this hypocritical life that i'm leading, faking that i'm alright when it hurts right down within. alternative soluions that i sought after is driving me even crazier. i'm falling deep into it. this sucks!! how can a heart be in two EXTREME places?

GOD OF MY FOREVER

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o'er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I've written my life
tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever
and forever I'm with You
my life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
and forever I will sing
my greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I've surrendered
my heart finds its rest in Your word
praises will not be enough to show
how my love for You has grown
nothing matters when You're here with me
In the end just to hear You say "well done"
bowing before Your throne

God of my forever
and forever I'm with You
my life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
and forever I will sing
my greatest honor will always be
to serve my Lord and King



Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
-Prov 3:5-6

dear God, i need a miracle! i'm desperate for a miracle! but i believe! i believe my God is faithful, i believe You will see me thru. Lord, as i try my best, i believe You will do the rest. Daddy, i just want to hear you say,"WELL DONE". multiply my time and take care of my health, God. look after my peers too, esp my budds who haven't been feeling too well. thank you Daddy, i love You, Amen. =)

woo-hoo!! xD alright, got some wire cocked up in my head a few days ago. hahahahaha!! yeah! i'm alright le. hahaha!! God is good, all the time!! =D wasn't very motivated the past 2 weeks, but now, i am! i'm gonna slay this "Goliath". hahahaha! =D

'...the Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine (Goliath)..."
-1 Sam 17:37

God has seen me thru my O's, gave me results to JC. seen me thru my qualifying test that enabled me to take H2 math. what more now? prelims and A's? my God is faithful. He is the same ytd, today and forever. He will bring me thru. i believe. =)



ok, i think this is the third time this is appearing on my blog. hahaha.
'but whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of harm'
-prov 1:33

(to remember) God would never put a situation that is too huge for us t handle. instead, through th circumstances that we're in, learn t lean on Him for guidance and strength. th evil would make endless attempt t mess things up and cause us t submit t his ultimate aim, but God said fear not, be of good cheer. dont get caught up in the circumstance but rather have faith. have faith that God will see us through every step we make and that we'd emerge stronger at th end.

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. ”
-Hebrews 13:5


i'll do my best and God will do the rest. =)
jiayou my friends!! don't give up. we will all get thru this tgt!! =) havoc time in that 8 months holiday!! =D

ok, blogger seems really screwed on my com now. the whole page is just like a damn html page now and i have no idea why it's not fixed yet. but anyway, i've decided to blog before this place gets too much cobwebs.

went to imh for SL project ytd, and i really enjoyed my time there, being able to bring joy and laughter to their lives rocks. their lives seem so simple, no worries, just eat, sleep,activities that they can choose to take part in or not. of course i will say my life seems alot more fulfilling than theirs, but sometimes i really admire the carefree-ness they have. sigh, just a random thought. they are really friendly though. =)

just read my budds blogs and i think i'm really having a internal battlefield too! gosh, not a really niice thing to talk about when your heart and your brain is telling you to do different stuff. the feeling sucks. i've not have the courage to come clean yet. cuz i haven't make a decision. it seem so tempting. i know i shouldn't be but i just can't help it. how i wish there's such thing called choosing both out of the 2. decision making is really tough and i hate it. having to give up one of the 2 you know you love. sigh, i know i'm emo-ing. i feel utterly ashamed, yet i think i have this tinge of enjoyment. oh this sucks. i don't know what i'm to do. i don't know how to come clean with it, don't know how to make that decision.




hmm, this is the second time, but you are still not there. i don't like "public-speaking". but i did it cuz i thought... sigh, nvm, i don't know what i wanna say. i just know that i so badly wanted to back out cuz you aren't there.

alrighty!! hahaha. havent been blogging yo? hahhahaha!! blogger seems kinda screwed now, cuz i need to use html to bold, underline, increase font size, blah blah blah. what a hassle, so yeah, just gonna be plain words for now. HAHAHAHA!!

it's been kinda cool recently that i'm always quite happy! hahhaha!! i dunno how to explain but it comes right from inside. it's kinda cool luh. it keeps me awake for lessons too! hahaha!! like even when teacher is "picking on" me or what, it helps me to keep my cool! hahahaha!! and that day, i actually told mabel that i'm gonna be EXTREMELY GUAI to the teachers i hate so that they will have nothing to pick on me! hahhaha!! so fun! LOL!! i guess God is really doing something in my life now. making me not just a cheerful person like the past but a even MORE cheerful and jubilant person!! hahahahahaha!! WOW!! =)

night studies actually aren't as bad as i thought. as least i'm kinda forced to get started with some work. hahhaha!! the nights been rather conducive till now. =) the only bad point is that i will have to miss cell group! sigh.

anyway, today's
CITY HARVEST's 20th ANNIVERSARY!!!
=) hurray!!
hahahahaa!! it was damn cool, imagine us meeting at indoor stadium at like 7am?! and the queue is already quite long? hahhhaha! this just shows how exccited we are for our BIRTHDAY man! hahahaha!! btw, the session only starts at 9am. hahahaha!! how cool is that?! and i was soooo overwhelmed when we actually filled the wole indoor stadium!! as in all the seats were like taken up can? much much much more crowded than FOP ytd. it ws so cool, ps kong shared what we're aiming for for the next 20 years and the "walking down memory lane" was way touching and hilarious! hahahahhaha!! well, this is my spiritual home! a place i will never bear to leave, not in this lifetime! =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CITY HARVEST!!
=D

MYY GOODNESSS!!!! I'M FREAKING HEATED UP NOW! I WANNA SCREAM!! I WANNA RUN!! I WANNA JUMP AROUND AND BANG MY HEAD AND ROLL ON THE FLOOR WHATSOEVER!!!

this is freaking annoying!! do you have to freaking shout across the damn corridor? do you freaking have no sense what is shame? do you freaking not know that you hurt me like damn badly? all i wanted was YOUR OPINION!! just a damn simple question, SHOULD i or NOT? not CAN or NOT!! do you freaking not understand that it is out of respect that i kept quiet? that i stayed home? WHAT THE HELL!!

so money's that important? then freaking sell me away luh!! i don't freaking need you in my damn life. i'm like super screwed now and here i am trying my best and there you are piling up my to-do list. what the hell do you want? you want me to end up being a sweeper, mopper, baby sitter or just a freaking maid?

i hate this!!! do you have to freaking judge me? am i that rebellious to you? all i wanted was to walk over to ask you a simple damn question, yet you thought i was all ready to get out of this freaking house. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

you are not interested in my life! you are not interested in me! you are only interested in money! and MONEY IS ALL YOU SEE!! i hate this!! hate it to the max!! why does it always have to be money? every quarrel, every dispute! what is this?